how i lost my virginity, pt. 8

[part seven]

the clock continued to tick, and i was set to move to fullerton on august 6. a couple days before that, we all went to berkeley to get me a tattoo. rob drove us in his punk rock mini-van, and he and robin watched as i made all kinds of contorted faces. robin had designed my tattoo; it was a black cat with green eyes arching its back. she had drawn it on me several months ago and i we took a picture of it. i took the picture in to the tattoo place, and had it put on me forever. everyone chipped in. i love that tattoo. it's probably my favorite one. it's like a piece of all my friends on me forever.

after that adventure, we had one last hurrah at rob's house. he took me upstairs to clean up my tattoo, and while we were in the bathroom together, we had the awkward conversation that had been looming over us for weeks. he said that he knew that things won't ever work out between us, and that he wished that he didn't like me so much. he said that if he could turn it off with a switch, everything would be so much easier. i wish that i could turn it on. i didn't know what to say. i couldn't form the words. he thought that i hated him. i wanted to tell him everything about how what he wanted and what i wanted weren't even close to each other, and how awesome i think he is, and how sexually confused i am, and how i'm dealing with the whole virginity thing, and all the bullshit i've had to go through with my friends, but i couldn't figure out how to put it into words. so i didn't say anything. and i broke his heart. and it sucked. whenever i tried to say something consoling, he wouldn't believe me. he thought i was just saying that so he'd feel less shitty.

honestly, he just caught me at the wrong point in time. i'll always have a special place in my heart for him. he gave me one of the best summers of my life. i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

[part nine]