how i lost my virginity, pt. 13

so that's the story.

i managed to keep the time, place, and identification of the party involved a secret for over a year. i told erica that i did lose my virginity about a month after, but i didn't tell her when or with whom. we were in santa ana at this little bohemian cafe (i think it was actually called the Bohemian Cafe). we sat outside and had some cigarettes and lattes, and she asked the question while we were on the topic. "well, did you?"

i told her that i wouldn't tell her. i did, however, tell her why i wouldn't tell her. i said that as of yet, she did not deserve to know, and that until she had regained my trust, i wouldn't tell her. she didn't say anything, she just looked away in disbelief. i could tell that she thought it was stupid, but i thought that the whole "everything is my business" mentality was just as stupid, if not more. i told her that this my revenge, and that i knew that it was kind of childish, but i felt like it was the only way to get my friends to recognize boundaries. and i think it worked. with her, at least. robin is another story. erica is the only person on this earth that can trust who is not related to me, and i think that this whole escapade helped solidify that.

i eventually did tell her when she came up to visit about a year later. i think it was the time that we hotboxed my car with her friends alex and brandon. we had moved my car to a dark corner of my mom's neighborhood, and smoked up a storm for hours. we were so stoned that we could hardly keep our eyes open, and we were laughing about everything. then she asked, "so really, who was it???" when i told her, she exclaimed, "i knew it!" i then went on to tell her how pissed i was at her and her reaction, when she sat at home all day and got drunk because i went somewhere without her. i really don't think she had realized how rude she was being. it seemed like as i was recalling her actions to her, she didn't remember half of them. she didn't seem to have any perception of how hypocritical she was being at the time, and now that she looked back, she had realized how truly rude she was. she tried to explain herself, but failed, and just knowing how unaware of it she was made me feel better. it no longer seemed like she was deliberately guilting me about it; it now seemed like more of an honest reaction than deviousness. in that moment i forgave her, and it was done.