how i lost my virginity, pt. 12

[part eleven]

the next day, once i heard erica leave for school, i knew it was safe to exit my bedroom. i hung around the house a bit, and even tried to clean up a bit of The Mess. when it came time to expect her to come home, i put on some clothes, got my journal, and went to the park across the street. i really didn't want to deal with her at all. the last thing i needed was a guilt trip over something that i had absolutely no reason to feel guilty for. at that point, i didn't feel bad at all for leaving her. she had lost all of my sympathy the night before. i didn't care if i was being rude for not telling her where i was going, or not inviting her along, or even feeling sorry for her. i was done.

this was only the second time that i had been to craig park, even though it was directly across the street. the first time was just after i had recovered from an ulcer the previous month. it was just after the first storm of the season, and the air was cold and crisp and wintery for the first time since i had moved there. this morning was a foggy morning, and it reminded me of foggy san francisco days.

craig park was huge. it was the only part of orange county that i had seen that had actually started to show the autumn change. there was a huge lake, and a paved path that went all around the perimeter of the park. i sat down on a bench near the lake, lit up a cigarette, and started to write. about everything. about johnny, and about how displeased i was with erica's reaction. it was a very long entry. part of it was happy and excited, and part of it was frustrated and angry, and it captured the last few days perfectly.

while i was ruminating in the park, i got yet another text from johnny, saying that there was a halloween party in tustin, and asked if i wanted to go. i said sure.

after that, i stayed out of the house for as long as possible, and even ran a few errands and applied for a job. i didn't venture home until it was getting dark and it was time to change into my costume for the party.

fortunately, erica was in a much better mood than when i last saw her. once i walked in the door, she started babbling about something, as if the previous night had never happened. i had no idea what she was talking about, something about suburban legends and how she was going out to a show and she was going to be mia from pulp fiction and okay bye. she was a whirlwind of words and actions that i couldn't follow, and i only realized that she had left when the room became silent.

i then went to work compiling my costume as a devil. that year, i had been too busy looking for jobs and stressing out over The Mess and my ulcer to really think up a good costume, so i just went with something easy. i already had the horns and pitchfork from when i was last a devil in my junior year of high school. this year, i sexed it up a bit with an absurdly short skirt and little corset-like top. i did my make up with reds and oranges, and i was ready to go.

johnny gave me directions, and got lost on my way there. apparently it was in a warehouse storage unit, so i didn't know that i was there when i actually was. i noticed a glowing entryway with a small crowd huddled around it on my third pass, so i parked.

the party was pretty cool. it was another one of those warehouse-turned-home dwellings, and they had thoroughly decorated it. the guests were all orange county scene kids with the same androgynous haircut, either dyed jet black or bleached platinum blonde. once i found johnny, the party started for me. he knew everyone, and everyone wanted to talk to me because i was "johnny's new girl." i felt very popular. we then proceeded to get trashed.

the party went on into the wee hours of the night, and by the end, johnny and i were all over each other. we then migrated to my car and had a second go. fucking in a car turned out to be a lot more comfortable than i thought it would be. in the movies, couples copulating in cars are always shown fumbling in the backseat with the woman on the bottom. that seems like the most difficult thing to do, and would require so much unnecessary work. things worked just dandy in the front with me on top.

after that, we chilled in the car for a bit. he went back to the party, and i waited in my car to sober up. then i made my way home.

it was odd having a sexual relationship with someone. i can't really describe it. all of a sudden, there was this whole new aspect to my life. there was this other thing that i could do with this person that was quite an entertaining (and healthy) past time.

our relationship continued until until about december, just before i was scheduled to move back to northern california. our relationship began to get awkward as i noticed things about him. he was very timid, and would never mention sex blatantly. he would always disguise it in some code, and that really bothered me. he was obviously uncomfortable with a sexual relationship, but still wanted one. every time we hung out, he wanted sex, which wasn't a bad thing. it was just that he didn't know how to ask for it. he'd either just leap on top of me with no warning, or try to ask while avoiding the words "sex," "fuck," or even "do it," or any other logical euphemism. it just came off as childish, and that was a big turnoff. of course, it's easy to indicate to someone that you want to fuck them through actions without actually saying it, but he had no concept of foreplay. that was also a problem.

eventually, it just got so uncomfortable that i just couldn't do it anymore. the last time i saw him was about two weeks before i had to move on december 20. i went to his new apartment in glendale, and it was the same old thing. i just wanted to chill out and maybe watch some tv, and he wanted sex, but didn't know how to ask for it. he did his thing where he just leapt on top of me, and when i wasn't particularly responsive, he asked, "why are you being weird?" he didn't say, "do you not want to?" or "are you not in the mood?" or something actually relative to what he was trying to do. he did his classic thing where he avoided all relative terminology. "being weird" sounded like such a third grade term that i was totally turned off, and shortly after that, i left. he walked me downstairs to my car, and i drove away. i don't think i even gave him a goodbye kiss.

[part thirteen]