how i lost my virginity, pt. 6

[part five]

over that summer, erica threw many parties at her dad's house while he was away on business. since they had a pool, we often ended up skinny dipping and having orgies in the shower. i usually refrained from the shower orgy portion of the party, except for this one time.

this, in my opinion, was the best party that we've ever had at erica's. everyone showed up, and everyone was completely wasted in the pool. when the party moved to the shower, i actually joined. the only reason i did this was because at the last party two weeks beforehand, i deeply regretted not joining in. it was a sad-drunk night. i sat in the dining room alone for the entire night blaming myself for being so virginal that no one touched me, and hating the fact that i got treated so differently because of this one stupid fact. so i figured that a way to maybe make my friends see me differently was to join in for once.

there were probably seven of us in that shower. rob had paired himself up with me in the corner, and i just felt so awkward. it was funny for a bit when ross gave him a hickey, and rob had no idea that it was a guy. once those giggles had subsided, my concentration shifted to rob's ever-growing boner nudging my crotch. i kept trying to move so it would be in a less uncomfortable place without being too obvious, but it wasn't working out so well. i really didn't want this. i wanted out. the laugh was over. i used washing my hair as a ruse to get away from him and prevent this from going any farther. then i got out. i just felt so dirty. and i felt bad for disappointing him. and i felt bad for chickening out.

then i proceeded to get so drunk i can't really remember the rest of that night.

after this party, the weird chemistry between rob and i started taking a toll. on one occasion, he and erica locked themselves in the computer room while they broke down into tears with each other. erica was singing the blues because she felt like no one wanted her, and rob was just so sad because he liked me so much, but the feelings weren't reciprocated. another time, after i had thrown a party in my garage and we all got absolutely shitfaced, rob followed me upstairs after everyone had left. he drunkenly tried to play therapist, and get me to tell him what was wrong. i hated that question. "what's wrong?" and i hated that he was the one to ask it incessantly, most of all, because i didn't know. and i didn't know how to tell him that i didn't know. whenever i just said, "i don't know," he wouldn't believe me and continue to pry. i just wanted him to leave me alone. i just needed time to figure myself out, but no one would give me that.

as the summer continued, rob got to be a really good friend of mine. we did a lot. he took me to my first warped tour, he played a show with my band, we went to waterworld, we stole a wheelchair...we did everything together. i thought of him as one of my best friends, but i just didn't like him the way that he liked me.

[part seven]