how i lost my virginity, pt. 5

[part four]

after that, things between rob and i got way too complicated.

shortly after we met rob, erica went out of town for a couple of days for college orientation, so when the weekend rolled around and we tried to orchestrate a party, it turned out to just be me and rob. everyone else had something else to do. we ended up going to central san rafael and just hanging out on fourth street. once he bought me a piece of carrot cake at aroma, it started to turn into more of a date then just us hanging out. when we'd sit down, he'd put an arm around me. it was odd. my friend angela (whom i had a huge crush on at the time) came up to us and asked how we were doing, etc. as she walked away she said, "have fun on your date!" so i guess that officially labeled it.

when we got back to my house, he kissed me goodnight. i didn't know if i liked it or not. i was just a kiss. then he left.

at this point, i was so confused about my sexuality. i couldn't figure out if i didn't like him because i was gay, or just because i didn't like him. i really wanted to want him. i wanted to feel normal, and lose my virginity to someone who loves me and be in a nice heterosexual relationship and be normal just like everybody else. i wanted to want this. but i didn't want this. i kept trying to tell myself that this is what i wanted, but it just wouldn't work.

it seemed as if he got more and more infatuated with me every day, but i just didn't feel that way about him. i thought he was cute, and i would have done him, but i didn't want to break his heart by doing that to him. i really didn't want him to know about my virginity, because i thought that would make everything worse. everyone thinks that all girls want their first time to be sentimental and beautiful and romantic and all that bullshit, but that's exactly what i didn't want. i just wanted it. purely for the sex. i did NOT want a relationship with anyone. i didn't want to be lovey-dovey or cuddly with anybody. well, aside from chelsea, but that didn't work out that well. i didn't want rob to know that i was a virgin because i thought that if he knew, he would assume that i liked him so little that i would rather lose my virginity to a near stranger than him. the truth is that i did like him. i just didn't like him enough. he and i had entirely different ideas of what relationships we wanted. i knew that if we tried to mesh them, it would only end in heartbreak. the relationship that i wanted was totally casual, and i knew that he wouldn't be able to give that to me.

i didn't know how to tell him this, so the next few months were filled with awkwardness.

[part six]