i wrote this story as part of national novel writing month 2007. i posted it in a personal blog, and got thousands of hits. i can see the search terms that point to this page, and i’ve found that the people who end up reading this story are lost just like i was when i was a teenager – anxiously awkwardly horny but with no clue of what to do about it. i later got kind of uncomfortable with such a personal story being on the internet, but i wanted to keep it up because i still want it to be there for uncomfortable kids like the former me. so i changed the names, and now i’m posting it in a blog that is less attached to my identity.
note: pt. 7 and 8 are lost somewhere, and only show up if you click on them from the dropdown menu on the side, in case of confusion.
[part one]
Thursday, April 2, 2009
how i lost my virginity, pt. 1
[introduction.]
i figured that if i wanted to take up a whole lot of words with one story, i could always tell this one. this is a story that i have wanted to tell for the longest time, but for some reason or another, i hadn't. first, it was because i simply hadn't lost it yet. then, it was because i was keeping it a secret from everyone i knew as revenge for how they treated me. and then after that, it was because i just didn't have a reason to. further down the line, i'm sure i will forget most of the details, so it's probably a good idea for me to get them all down here.
i lost my virginity when i was 18. it wasn't because i "wasn't ready" or because i was "saving myself" or something stupid like that. i actually don't really know why. all i knew was that for the first 18 years of my life, no boy would touch me with a 10 foot pole.
i've often been told (both by friends and by boys) that it was because i was so "intimidating." yeah. ok. if that's what you say. but there's so much more to it then that. after a certain point, probably sometime just after i turned 18, that "do not touch" sign on my forehead disappeared, and i was bombarded with so many offers that i didn't know what to do. and it sucked. but now i'm getting ahead of myself.
i guess i'll start back when i was 16, when erica, my absolute best friend, threw her first "high school party" at her dad's house while he was away. this was around the same time that i was absolutely obsessed with a little blonde english girl named zoe. both her and this guy chris, among many others, came to this party, and we all proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced.
later on in the night, chris wanted me, and i was ok with that, but i wanted zoe much more. she had distracted me the entire night. despite my wishes to spend the night with her, i ended up sharing the bunk room with chris. we drunkenly made out for quite a while, and god he was the worst kisser ever. he was the kind of kisser that covered the entire lower half of your face with his mouth and lapped at it. i remember at one point he had said that i was a bad kisser. yeah. sure.
but anyway, he had managed to get me down to nothing but my underwear, which were a worn out pair of dark purple hanes (this was the moment that i first thought that the whole idea of having cute underwear was a good one). he really wanted me. he kept telling me,"hey, gimme your hand," but i knew much better. i knew exactly what he would try to do with it. he even tried to "show me what it would be like" by pantomiming the gyrations of intercourse, and i nearly had to shove my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing. he was so awkward. i mean, sex in itself is an awkward activity, but if you're involved in it, you just don't care that much. when you're just watching some 17 year old try so hard (yet fail) to turn you on, it's pretty damn funny.
as we started to sober up, being that we were in that room together for hours, i started to really realize that i didn't like this guy at all. yeah, he was kinda cute, kinda, but not really.
i was so grateful as the sun started to come up because it was my way out. i got out of there as quickly as i could, and he had to leave soon thereafter before his parents realized that he was gone.
at school on monday, he tried to do stupid stuff like hold my hand and pretend that we were "going out," but when i said that would have none of it, he just called me a bitch and huffed off. poor baby.
looking back on it, i really wasn't ready to start fucking around then. if it had been with someone i really cared about, i think i could have handled it. for instance, if it were zoe, i know i would have had the time of my life. but...it wasn't. and that was the closest to sex that i would get for another two years.
[part two]
i figured that if i wanted to take up a whole lot of words with one story, i could always tell this one. this is a story that i have wanted to tell for the longest time, but for some reason or another, i hadn't. first, it was because i simply hadn't lost it yet. then, it was because i was keeping it a secret from everyone i knew as revenge for how they treated me. and then after that, it was because i just didn't have a reason to. further down the line, i'm sure i will forget most of the details, so it's probably a good idea for me to get them all down here.
i lost my virginity when i was 18. it wasn't because i "wasn't ready" or because i was "saving myself" or something stupid like that. i actually don't really know why. all i knew was that for the first 18 years of my life, no boy would touch me with a 10 foot pole.
i've often been told (both by friends and by boys) that it was because i was so "intimidating." yeah. ok. if that's what you say. but there's so much more to it then that. after a certain point, probably sometime just after i turned 18, that "do not touch" sign on my forehead disappeared, and i was bombarded with so many offers that i didn't know what to do. and it sucked. but now i'm getting ahead of myself.
i guess i'll start back when i was 16, when erica, my absolute best friend, threw her first "high school party" at her dad's house while he was away. this was around the same time that i was absolutely obsessed with a little blonde english girl named zoe. both her and this guy chris, among many others, came to this party, and we all proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced.
later on in the night, chris wanted me, and i was ok with that, but i wanted zoe much more. she had distracted me the entire night. despite my wishes to spend the night with her, i ended up sharing the bunk room with chris. we drunkenly made out for quite a while, and god he was the worst kisser ever. he was the kind of kisser that covered the entire lower half of your face with his mouth and lapped at it. i remember at one point he had said that i was a bad kisser. yeah. sure.
but anyway, he had managed to get me down to nothing but my underwear, which were a worn out pair of dark purple hanes (this was the moment that i first thought that the whole idea of having cute underwear was a good one). he really wanted me. he kept telling me,"hey, gimme your hand," but i knew much better. i knew exactly what he would try to do with it. he even tried to "show me what it would be like" by pantomiming the gyrations of intercourse, and i nearly had to shove my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing. he was so awkward. i mean, sex in itself is an awkward activity, but if you're involved in it, you just don't care that much. when you're just watching some 17 year old try so hard (yet fail) to turn you on, it's pretty damn funny.
as we started to sober up, being that we were in that room together for hours, i started to really realize that i didn't like this guy at all. yeah, he was kinda cute, kinda, but not really.
i was so grateful as the sun started to come up because it was my way out. i got out of there as quickly as i could, and he had to leave soon thereafter before his parents realized that he was gone.
at school on monday, he tried to do stupid stuff like hold my hand and pretend that we were "going out," but when i said that would have none of it, he just called me a bitch and huffed off. poor baby.
looking back on it, i really wasn't ready to start fucking around then. if it had been with someone i really cared about, i think i could have handled it. for instance, if it were zoe, i know i would have had the time of my life. but...it wasn't. and that was the closest to sex that i would get for another two years.
[part two]
how i lost my virginity, pt. 2
[part one]
i started to really feel the pressure during senior year, when it had finally occurred to me that when my classmates were talking about "hooking up with so-and-so," they weren't joking. the majority of people i knew who were my age were sexually active. i first recognized this during one of the many wild conversations that ensued in my second period art class with mallory and erica. it was in the spring, when mallory had told us that this boy elliot, one of the hot shot sk8terbois on campus, had come over to her house. he had given her a ride home from work or something, and he came upstairs, and they ended up fucking. and that was that. i was shocked, because i had never heard sex talked about so casually by someone i actually knew. i thought it would be more ceremonial than that. that was also the first time i really felt jealous of a friend for getting sexual contact.
the last straw was when erica lost her virginity. i never thought that i would end up being last out of our entire group. erica and i were the last two, and she beat me to it. i didn't understand. she was hardly comfortable in her own skin, so how could she possibly get laid before me? all throughout high school, she had strived to get the most impossible guys: brett, the hottest freshman on the water polo team; elliot, the aforementioned sk8terboi that all the sk8tergrrls swooned over; aaron, a 24-year-old trumpet player for the orange county ska band suburban legends (she later moved on to derek, the drummer). after all of that, she was the first one to get herself a boyfriend and get herself laid. she didn't like him much, and she later admitted that she used him just to lose her virginity. she broke up with him two weeks later.
when she told me about it, i just wanted to kill her out of jealousy, but i put on a nice face, and smiled and nodded to disguise my anger. after that, i knew that i was on a mission.
[part three]
i started to really feel the pressure during senior year, when it had finally occurred to me that when my classmates were talking about "hooking up with so-and-so," they weren't joking. the majority of people i knew who were my age were sexually active. i first recognized this during one of the many wild conversations that ensued in my second period art class with mallory and erica. it was in the spring, when mallory had told us that this boy elliot, one of the hot shot sk8terbois on campus, had come over to her house. he had given her a ride home from work or something, and he came upstairs, and they ended up fucking. and that was that. i was shocked, because i had never heard sex talked about so casually by someone i actually knew. i thought it would be more ceremonial than that. that was also the first time i really felt jealous of a friend for getting sexual contact.
the last straw was when erica lost her virginity. i never thought that i would end up being last out of our entire group. erica and i were the last two, and she beat me to it. i didn't understand. she was hardly comfortable in her own skin, so how could she possibly get laid before me? all throughout high school, she had strived to get the most impossible guys: brett, the hottest freshman on the water polo team; elliot, the aforementioned sk8terboi that all the sk8tergrrls swooned over; aaron, a 24-year-old trumpet player for the orange county ska band suburban legends (she later moved on to derek, the drummer). after all of that, she was the first one to get herself a boyfriend and get herself laid. she didn't like him much, and she later admitted that she used him just to lose her virginity. she broke up with him two weeks later.
when she told me about it, i just wanted to kill her out of jealousy, but i put on a nice face, and smiled and nodded to disguise my anger. after that, i knew that i was on a mission.
[part three]
how i lost my virginity, pt. 3
[part two]
the summer after i had finished high school was strange, because all of a sudden everyone wanted me. i went from absolutely zero to four: rob, aaron, gregg, and chelsea. this all happened in the two months before i was set to move to southern california with erica. she was going to go to cal state fullerton, and i was going to take a year off. this felt like a limitation. it felt like there was constantly a timer ticking away at the summer. i felt like i couldn't start anything that i wouldn't be able to end in two months. this made things difficult.
rob and chelsea happened at the exact same time. i met them the exact same weekend at the end of june 2005. one thursday, the farmer's market had gotten rained out, and so me and erica went to the crib, one of the few 18+ clubs in the city, for the first time because it was party monster night (it was lame, we were the only people who dressed up). before embarking on our adventure, we had dinner at san rafael joe's with robin and her cute friend chelsea. she was a bit dykey for my taste, but she was still adorable.
so we all danced the night away, and by the end, chelsea and i were grinding and making out and it was awesome. and hott. very hott.
and then, three days later, we met rob. me and erica were at a physchobilly show at the phoenix theater, and we met this awesome dude named rob. we ended up hanging out the entire night together, and going to denny's in corte madera at like 2 in the morning. we invited robin along too. the night was entertaining over all.
now, this is when things got complicated. this is when i really started to notice that i was being treated very differently by all of my friends, simply because i was a virgin. for some reason, being a virgin means that you know absolutely NOTHING about sex, or your own body, or masturbation, or anything of the sort. in fact, you get offended if such things are mentioned. now of course, all of this is absolute bullshit. but i was still treated like an 11-year-old nonetheless.
i got the higher-than-thou attitude from everyone, including erica, even though she had only been sexually active for a grand total of a couple of weeks. all of a sudden, she was a sex expert. i remember one time, we were having a conversation about having sex outdoors, specifically sex in the parking lot of muir beach at 2 in the morning. now, i get cold easily. i knew i would not enjoy it. i could imagine that i would get that same briny feeling on my skin and in my lungs that i got whenever i ran the mile in P.E. in the rain. i could imagine it being very unenjoyable. but of course, since erica had had sex once, she knows my body better than i do. "trust me," she said with a smug air, "you'll be fine." she said it with that "mother knows best" tone, and i just looked at her in disgust.
i also got the same attitude from my friend robin, who had lost her virginity at the age of 16 to a boy she met on the internet. she had met him on vampirefreaks.com, and he went by the name natas (which is satan backwards). i had been dealing with the "robin knows best" attitude since then.
as time progressed, i started to notice the difference more and more. the subject matter of conversations would often change once i walked into the room. or the topic of sex would altogether be avoided whenever i was present. so i made a decision. even though i had never been self conscious about my virginity, i was going to keep it under wraps. this wasn't even because i was embarrassed about the virginity itself; i just wanted to be treated like a normal educated person, just like my friends were. after all, it is kind of hard to get laid when everyone you know treats you like a child.
so for a while it worked. and i did notice a difference in the way that i was treated by the people who didn't know versus the people who did. and it was great for that while.
while all of this was happening, i was still trying to get closer to chelsea, because i took quite a liking to her. however, as rob's profound love for me grew, it became increasingly difficult and awkward to hang out with everyone at once. i really wanted to hang out with chelsea, but i felt like i couldn't let anyone know about it. first off, rob would be heartbroken. second, this was still during the time that robin's mouth was bigger than lake ontario. if you told her something about your sex life that may have been amusing or interesting, but still didn't want the whole world knowing about it, it would be the butt of her next joke regardless. and she'd repeat it. over and over again.
in the midst of all of this, the second chance i had to lose my virginity came and went. it was with chelsea, one of the times that we hung out together in her huge house on the outskirts of san rafael. we watched "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (which is still one of my favorite movies to date), and messed around in her room for a while. we would have gone "all the way," but her mom had just called her to tell her that she'd be home in less than 20 minutes. it was quite enjoyable while it lasted. it was the first time i had gone that far with another female, and i still held my verdict that girls are much better kissers. that was an enjoyable day. it was the first time that i'd been too overcome with desire to properly focus on the event at hand. for instance, we stole kisses when her mom wasn't looking while playing pool. it was the worst game of pool i'd ever played, but i didn't care much. unfortunately, this would be the last chance i really got to see her. after that, everything just got too confusing.
i'd never had to deal with this before. i'd never had to juggle friends who are in love with me with friends i want to spend the entire day with alone. and so i just did nothing. i let it guide me because i didn't know what else to do. and i hated that i had to just let her hanging because i just didn't know what else to do. i couldn't even put it into words to tell anyone.
[part four]
the summer after i had finished high school was strange, because all of a sudden everyone wanted me. i went from absolutely zero to four: rob, aaron, gregg, and chelsea. this all happened in the two months before i was set to move to southern california with erica. she was going to go to cal state fullerton, and i was going to take a year off. this felt like a limitation. it felt like there was constantly a timer ticking away at the summer. i felt like i couldn't start anything that i wouldn't be able to end in two months. this made things difficult.
rob and chelsea happened at the exact same time. i met them the exact same weekend at the end of june 2005. one thursday, the farmer's market had gotten rained out, and so me and erica went to the crib, one of the few 18+ clubs in the city, for the first time because it was party monster night (it was lame, we were the only people who dressed up). before embarking on our adventure, we had dinner at san rafael joe's with robin and her cute friend chelsea. she was a bit dykey for my taste, but she was still adorable.
so we all danced the night away, and by the end, chelsea and i were grinding and making out and it was awesome. and hott. very hott.
and then, three days later, we met rob. me and erica were at a physchobilly show at the phoenix theater, and we met this awesome dude named rob. we ended up hanging out the entire night together, and going to denny's in corte madera at like 2 in the morning. we invited robin along too. the night was entertaining over all.
now, this is when things got complicated. this is when i really started to notice that i was being treated very differently by all of my friends, simply because i was a virgin. for some reason, being a virgin means that you know absolutely NOTHING about sex, or your own body, or masturbation, or anything of the sort. in fact, you get offended if such things are mentioned. now of course, all of this is absolute bullshit. but i was still treated like an 11-year-old nonetheless.
i got the higher-than-thou attitude from everyone, including erica, even though she had only been sexually active for a grand total of a couple of weeks. all of a sudden, she was a sex expert. i remember one time, we were having a conversation about having sex outdoors, specifically sex in the parking lot of muir beach at 2 in the morning. now, i get cold easily. i knew i would not enjoy it. i could imagine that i would get that same briny feeling on my skin and in my lungs that i got whenever i ran the mile in P.E. in the rain. i could imagine it being very unenjoyable. but of course, since erica had had sex once, she knows my body better than i do. "trust me," she said with a smug air, "you'll be fine." she said it with that "mother knows best" tone, and i just looked at her in disgust.
i also got the same attitude from my friend robin, who had lost her virginity at the age of 16 to a boy she met on the internet. she had met him on vampirefreaks.com, and he went by the name natas (which is satan backwards). i had been dealing with the "robin knows best" attitude since then.
as time progressed, i started to notice the difference more and more. the subject matter of conversations would often change once i walked into the room. or the topic of sex would altogether be avoided whenever i was present. so i made a decision. even though i had never been self conscious about my virginity, i was going to keep it under wraps. this wasn't even because i was embarrassed about the virginity itself; i just wanted to be treated like a normal educated person, just like my friends were. after all, it is kind of hard to get laid when everyone you know treats you like a child.
so for a while it worked. and i did notice a difference in the way that i was treated by the people who didn't know versus the people who did. and it was great for that while.
while all of this was happening, i was still trying to get closer to chelsea, because i took quite a liking to her. however, as rob's profound love for me grew, it became increasingly difficult and awkward to hang out with everyone at once. i really wanted to hang out with chelsea, but i felt like i couldn't let anyone know about it. first off, rob would be heartbroken. second, this was still during the time that robin's mouth was bigger than lake ontario. if you told her something about your sex life that may have been amusing or interesting, but still didn't want the whole world knowing about it, it would be the butt of her next joke regardless. and she'd repeat it. over and over again.
in the midst of all of this, the second chance i had to lose my virginity came and went. it was with chelsea, one of the times that we hung out together in her huge house on the outskirts of san rafael. we watched "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (which is still one of my favorite movies to date), and messed around in her room for a while. we would have gone "all the way," but her mom had just called her to tell her that she'd be home in less than 20 minutes. it was quite enjoyable while it lasted. it was the first time i had gone that far with another female, and i still held my verdict that girls are much better kissers. that was an enjoyable day. it was the first time that i'd been too overcome with desire to properly focus on the event at hand. for instance, we stole kisses when her mom wasn't looking while playing pool. it was the worst game of pool i'd ever played, but i didn't care much. unfortunately, this would be the last chance i really got to see her. after that, everything just got too confusing.
i'd never had to deal with this before. i'd never had to juggle friends who are in love with me with friends i want to spend the entire day with alone. and so i just did nothing. i let it guide me because i didn't know what else to do. and i hated that i had to just let her hanging because i just didn't know what else to do. i couldn't even put it into words to tell anyone.
[part four]
how i lost my virginity, pt. 4
[part three]
that 4th of july was the worst night of my entire life. we had all gone to rob's for a barbecue. remember the whole thing about how i wanted to keep my virginity under wraps? well, it was working like a charm until that night. robin had well warmed up her abilities to humiliate her friends by announcing to the entire room tha me, her, and erica had all bought matching pink vibrators on erica's birthday. she said this to people that we had barely known for 2 weeks, some of which we were trying to woo. she hadn't thought twice of the statement she just made, nor of the dirty looks that me and erica shot her after she said it. she wasn't very good at taking hints.
so later on that night, the party guests had decided that it would be a good "get to know you" idea to play the game "i never." now, besides the fact that i always lost (won?) because i was terribly inexperienced compared to my comrades, i always thought that this was a stupid game, so i decided that this would be a good time to get a refreshing beverage from the kitchen. as i got myself a corona out of the fridge and began to cut myself a lime wedge, i listened in on the conversation in the living room. as i had expected, the subject matter had turned to sexual experiences, and at that time, i was content just to listen from a safe distance in the kitchen. not because i was embarrassed, per se; i just knew that any loaded questions that might be aimed in my direction would only end up in a bigger mess because i'd then have to lie to get out of it smoothly. and keeping your lies straight is never easy. and besides, i didn't want them to feel obligated to filter their conversation because the virgin was in the room.
after i'd been gone for a few minutes, rob noticed my absence and asked where i'd gone.
and before i could pipe in with my reply, robin beat me to it.
"oh, she's just uncomfortable because we're talking about sex."
and at that point, the room went silent. i was in such shock that i didn't know what to say. did she just say that? did she really? i was in such disbelief. i didn't know whether to march in there and slap her, or try to laugh it off. so i just stood there in the kitchen, speechless.
i don't remember the reaction of the other people in the room. i was too consumed by my sudden desire to kill robin to pay attention.
every time i think of this moment, i get mad at her all over again, just like i am right now as i'm writing this. i knew that from then on, i would never trust her with a secret ever again.
and to this day, i still haven't.
i spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what to say to her. i was so angry i could scream. all of the words wanted to come out at the same time, and it was the most difficult thing ever to try to organize them into coherent sentences.
eventually, i ended up bringing her upstairs and telling her off in that scolding whisper that parents use with ill-behaved children in public places. i felt like slapping her, but i didn't. looking back on it, i should have.
that, to this day, was the single most embarrassing moment of my entire life. thanks, robin. you're really a true friend.
[part five]
that 4th of july was the worst night of my entire life. we had all gone to rob's for a barbecue. remember the whole thing about how i wanted to keep my virginity under wraps? well, it was working like a charm until that night. robin had well warmed up her abilities to humiliate her friends by announcing to the entire room tha me, her, and erica had all bought matching pink vibrators on erica's birthday. she said this to people that we had barely known for 2 weeks, some of which we were trying to woo. she hadn't thought twice of the statement she just made, nor of the dirty looks that me and erica shot her after she said it. she wasn't very good at taking hints.
so later on that night, the party guests had decided that it would be a good "get to know you" idea to play the game "i never." now, besides the fact that i always lost (won?) because i was terribly inexperienced compared to my comrades, i always thought that this was a stupid game, so i decided that this would be a good time to get a refreshing beverage from the kitchen. as i got myself a corona out of the fridge and began to cut myself a lime wedge, i listened in on the conversation in the living room. as i had expected, the subject matter had turned to sexual experiences, and at that time, i was content just to listen from a safe distance in the kitchen. not because i was embarrassed, per se; i just knew that any loaded questions that might be aimed in my direction would only end up in a bigger mess because i'd then have to lie to get out of it smoothly. and keeping your lies straight is never easy. and besides, i didn't want them to feel obligated to filter their conversation because the virgin was in the room.
after i'd been gone for a few minutes, rob noticed my absence and asked where i'd gone.
and before i could pipe in with my reply, robin beat me to it.
"oh, she's just uncomfortable because we're talking about sex."
and at that point, the room went silent. i was in such shock that i didn't know what to say. did she just say that? did she really? i was in such disbelief. i didn't know whether to march in there and slap her, or try to laugh it off. so i just stood there in the kitchen, speechless.
i don't remember the reaction of the other people in the room. i was too consumed by my sudden desire to kill robin to pay attention.
every time i think of this moment, i get mad at her all over again, just like i am right now as i'm writing this. i knew that from then on, i would never trust her with a secret ever again.
and to this day, i still haven't.
i spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what to say to her. i was so angry i could scream. all of the words wanted to come out at the same time, and it was the most difficult thing ever to try to organize them into coherent sentences.
eventually, i ended up bringing her upstairs and telling her off in that scolding whisper that parents use with ill-behaved children in public places. i felt like slapping her, but i didn't. looking back on it, i should have.
that, to this day, was the single most embarrassing moment of my entire life. thanks, robin. you're really a true friend.
[part five]
how i lost my virginity, pt. 5
[part four]
after that, things between rob and i got way too complicated.
shortly after we met rob, erica went out of town for a couple of days for college orientation, so when the weekend rolled around and we tried to orchestrate a party, it turned out to just be me and rob. everyone else had something else to do. we ended up going to central san rafael and just hanging out on fourth street. once he bought me a piece of carrot cake at aroma, it started to turn into more of a date then just us hanging out. when we'd sit down, he'd put an arm around me. it was odd. my friend angela (whom i had a huge crush on at the time) came up to us and asked how we were doing, etc. as she walked away she said, "have fun on your date!" so i guess that officially labeled it.
when we got back to my house, he kissed me goodnight. i didn't know if i liked it or not. i was just a kiss. then he left.
at this point, i was so confused about my sexuality. i couldn't figure out if i didn't like him because i was gay, or just because i didn't like him. i really wanted to want him. i wanted to feel normal, and lose my virginity to someone who loves me and be in a nice heterosexual relationship and be normal just like everybody else. i wanted to want this. but i didn't want this. i kept trying to tell myself that this is what i wanted, but it just wouldn't work.
it seemed as if he got more and more infatuated with me every day, but i just didn't feel that way about him. i thought he was cute, and i would have done him, but i didn't want to break his heart by doing that to him. i really didn't want him to know about my virginity, because i thought that would make everything worse. everyone thinks that all girls want their first time to be sentimental and beautiful and romantic and all that bullshit, but that's exactly what i didn't want. i just wanted it. purely for the sex. i did NOT want a relationship with anyone. i didn't want to be lovey-dovey or cuddly with anybody. well, aside from chelsea, but that didn't work out that well. i didn't want rob to know that i was a virgin because i thought that if he knew, he would assume that i liked him so little that i would rather lose my virginity to a near stranger than him. the truth is that i did like him. i just didn't like him enough. he and i had entirely different ideas of what relationships we wanted. i knew that if we tried to mesh them, it would only end in heartbreak. the relationship that i wanted was totally casual, and i knew that he wouldn't be able to give that to me.
i didn't know how to tell him this, so the next few months were filled with awkwardness.
[part six]
after that, things between rob and i got way too complicated.
shortly after we met rob, erica went out of town for a couple of days for college orientation, so when the weekend rolled around and we tried to orchestrate a party, it turned out to just be me and rob. everyone else had something else to do. we ended up going to central san rafael and just hanging out on fourth street. once he bought me a piece of carrot cake at aroma, it started to turn into more of a date then just us hanging out. when we'd sit down, he'd put an arm around me. it was odd. my friend angela (whom i had a huge crush on at the time) came up to us and asked how we were doing, etc. as she walked away she said, "have fun on your date!" so i guess that officially labeled it.
when we got back to my house, he kissed me goodnight. i didn't know if i liked it or not. i was just a kiss. then he left.
at this point, i was so confused about my sexuality. i couldn't figure out if i didn't like him because i was gay, or just because i didn't like him. i really wanted to want him. i wanted to feel normal, and lose my virginity to someone who loves me and be in a nice heterosexual relationship and be normal just like everybody else. i wanted to want this. but i didn't want this. i kept trying to tell myself that this is what i wanted, but it just wouldn't work.
it seemed as if he got more and more infatuated with me every day, but i just didn't feel that way about him. i thought he was cute, and i would have done him, but i didn't want to break his heart by doing that to him. i really didn't want him to know about my virginity, because i thought that would make everything worse. everyone thinks that all girls want their first time to be sentimental and beautiful and romantic and all that bullshit, but that's exactly what i didn't want. i just wanted it. purely for the sex. i did NOT want a relationship with anyone. i didn't want to be lovey-dovey or cuddly with anybody. well, aside from chelsea, but that didn't work out that well. i didn't want rob to know that i was a virgin because i thought that if he knew, he would assume that i liked him so little that i would rather lose my virginity to a near stranger than him. the truth is that i did like him. i just didn't like him enough. he and i had entirely different ideas of what relationships we wanted. i knew that if we tried to mesh them, it would only end in heartbreak. the relationship that i wanted was totally casual, and i knew that he wouldn't be able to give that to me.
i didn't know how to tell him this, so the next few months were filled with awkwardness.
[part six]
how i lost my virginity, pt. 6
[part five]
over that summer, erica threw many parties at her dad's house while he was away on business. since they had a pool, we often ended up skinny dipping and having orgies in the shower. i usually refrained from the shower orgy portion of the party, except for this one time.
this, in my opinion, was the best party that we've ever had at erica's. everyone showed up, and everyone was completely wasted in the pool. when the party moved to the shower, i actually joined. the only reason i did this was because at the last party two weeks beforehand, i deeply regretted not joining in. it was a sad-drunk night. i sat in the dining room alone for the entire night blaming myself for being so virginal that no one touched me, and hating the fact that i got treated so differently because of this one stupid fact. so i figured that a way to maybe make my friends see me differently was to join in for once.
there were probably seven of us in that shower. rob had paired himself up with me in the corner, and i just felt so awkward. it was funny for a bit when ross gave him a hickey, and rob had no idea that it was a guy. once those giggles had subsided, my concentration shifted to rob's ever-growing boner nudging my crotch. i kept trying to move so it would be in a less uncomfortable place without being too obvious, but it wasn't working out so well. i really didn't want this. i wanted out. the laugh was over. i used washing my hair as a ruse to get away from him and prevent this from going any farther. then i got out. i just felt so dirty. and i felt bad for disappointing him. and i felt bad for chickening out.
then i proceeded to get so drunk i can't really remember the rest of that night.
after this party, the weird chemistry between rob and i started taking a toll. on one occasion, he and erica locked themselves in the computer room while they broke down into tears with each other. erica was singing the blues because she felt like no one wanted her, and rob was just so sad because he liked me so much, but the feelings weren't reciprocated. another time, after i had thrown a party in my garage and we all got absolutely shitfaced, rob followed me upstairs after everyone had left. he drunkenly tried to play therapist, and get me to tell him what was wrong. i hated that question. "what's wrong?" and i hated that he was the one to ask it incessantly, most of all, because i didn't know. and i didn't know how to tell him that i didn't know. whenever i just said, "i don't know," he wouldn't believe me and continue to pry. i just wanted him to leave me alone. i just needed time to figure myself out, but no one would give me that.
as the summer continued, rob got to be a really good friend of mine. we did a lot. he took me to my first warped tour, he played a show with my band, we went to waterworld, we stole a wheelchair...we did everything together. i thought of him as one of my best friends, but i just didn't like him the way that he liked me.
[part seven]
over that summer, erica threw many parties at her dad's house while he was away on business. since they had a pool, we often ended up skinny dipping and having orgies in the shower. i usually refrained from the shower orgy portion of the party, except for this one time.
this, in my opinion, was the best party that we've ever had at erica's. everyone showed up, and everyone was completely wasted in the pool. when the party moved to the shower, i actually joined. the only reason i did this was because at the last party two weeks beforehand, i deeply regretted not joining in. it was a sad-drunk night. i sat in the dining room alone for the entire night blaming myself for being so virginal that no one touched me, and hating the fact that i got treated so differently because of this one stupid fact. so i figured that a way to maybe make my friends see me differently was to join in for once.
there were probably seven of us in that shower. rob had paired himself up with me in the corner, and i just felt so awkward. it was funny for a bit when ross gave him a hickey, and rob had no idea that it was a guy. once those giggles had subsided, my concentration shifted to rob's ever-growing boner nudging my crotch. i kept trying to move so it would be in a less uncomfortable place without being too obvious, but it wasn't working out so well. i really didn't want this. i wanted out. the laugh was over. i used washing my hair as a ruse to get away from him and prevent this from going any farther. then i got out. i just felt so dirty. and i felt bad for disappointing him. and i felt bad for chickening out.
then i proceeded to get so drunk i can't really remember the rest of that night.
after this party, the weird chemistry between rob and i started taking a toll. on one occasion, he and erica locked themselves in the computer room while they broke down into tears with each other. erica was singing the blues because she felt like no one wanted her, and rob was just so sad because he liked me so much, but the feelings weren't reciprocated. another time, after i had thrown a party in my garage and we all got absolutely shitfaced, rob followed me upstairs after everyone had left. he drunkenly tried to play therapist, and get me to tell him what was wrong. i hated that question. "what's wrong?" and i hated that he was the one to ask it incessantly, most of all, because i didn't know. and i didn't know how to tell him that i didn't know. whenever i just said, "i don't know," he wouldn't believe me and continue to pry. i just wanted him to leave me alone. i just needed time to figure myself out, but no one would give me that.
as the summer continued, rob got to be a really good friend of mine. we did a lot. he took me to my first warped tour, he played a show with my band, we went to waterworld, we stole a wheelchair...we did everything together. i thought of him as one of my best friends, but i just didn't like him the way that he liked me.
[part seven]
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